I Swear

Here are a few things I swear I will never do as a parent.

1. I swear I will never let my young child wander through a Wal-Mart parking lot barefoot (older children are on their own; they should know better).

2. I swear I will never take my two-year-old to an R-rated movie full of cussing, subtitles, and gunshot wounds to the head. And, no, covering his face with a shirt when things get a little too gorey does not excuse your decision. On a side note, "The Kingdom" is definitely a movie worth checking out with your adult friends and relatives.

3. I swear I will never apply for the WIC (Women, Infants, and Children) program while driving around my tricked-out, double-cab Ford F150 with tires the size of mini-coopers.

Now that I've been all judgemental and snooty, I'll list the mistakes I fully expect to make as a parent time and time again.

1. I will be hypocritical. I will tell people I will not spoil my child and shower him or her with material items, then go crazy at Target buying things that are oh-my-gosh-that-is-just-too-cute!!!

2. I will lose my temper. Again, and again, and again. I like to think I can maintain my cool at most times, but on occasion, I can lose it. My dad likes to remind me of this on a regular basis (usually in reference to "peeling" out of the driveway). But believe me, it wasn't easy growing up as Chuck's daughter. I just hope my anger and frustration doesn't manifest itself in an unhealthy way - you know, like lashing out at some poor, unsuspecting husband, dog, or whatever innocent creature stands in my way.

3. I will have unrealistic expectations. Just because I quit about three different instruments and five sports does not excuse my child from becoming a baseball/violin/mathematics prodigy. It is my child's responsibility to make up for all my shortcomings otherwise he/she will have to eat dog food and sleep on the roof. I'm kidding! Mostly.

In all seriousness, I know I'm not going to be the worst mom in the world. Probably not the best, but I've been lucky enough to have some good examples to follow. I hope I'm like my mom - always calm and collected, and down-right smart; I hope I'm like Andy's mom - creative and instilling the love of animals into any kid she comes in contact with; and I hope I'm like Ralphie's mom (from "A Christmas Story") - incredibly understanding and forgiving, a doting wife, and not willing to put up with any crap, like the glowing sex lamp.